Beberapa waktu belakangan ini gua ngerasa seolah dipaksa untuk mengakui sebuah kenyataan yang selama ini selalu gua usahakan untuk gua hindari pikirkan lebih lanjut dan tiap kali hal ini muncul ke permukaan, sebisa mungkin gua benamkan ke alam bawah sadar gua.

Until recently someone pushed me so hard that I finally bursted out the words yang selama ini hanya mengambang dalam alam pikiran tanpa ada keinginan untuk gua raih dan gua benahi susunannya yang ngga beraturan menjadi satu rangkaian yang bisa gua mengerti dan pahami.

Lega?

Ngga juga, I felt very emotional after saying those words karena semua gambaran menyerbu masuk secara bersamaan, suddenly I felt so tired and emotionally drained.

Admitting something that you tried so hard to deny ternyata bisa menguras energi, seakan semua benteng yang elo bangun untuk menangkis serangan dari luar justru runtuh karena ada kudeta dari dalam diri elo sendiri yang udah jenuh and muak akan keadaan yang ternyata udah mencengkram elo lebih kuat dari yang selama ini elo sadari.

Indah.. Indah.. Maybe now is the right time to wake up and stop sabotaging yourself!

But.. But.. *siap memprotes*

Please, listen to me, alrite? Let me have my say and I’ll let you have yours afterwards, okay? But don’t interrupt me until I finish it all, promise?

*shrugs shoulders*

Whatever I say won’t matter to you, right? You always do as you please.

*fainted smile*

I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.

Firstly, don’t see me as your enemy. I’m a part of you, girl, so of course I also want what’s best for you.

I’ve been in silence all these times but I’ve always watched you closely.

I tried to talk to your for couple of times but you were always busy with your outer world that you didn’t even hear me calling. In fact, I don’t think you remember that I exist.

Why can you only hear me when you’re in such a despair? It makes me harder to help you if you’re too down like this.

But listen, I have much things to say to you. And I hope you would listen to me for once and for all. This is for our own good, Indah.

I know.. I know all your worries ’cause they are growing inside of me to, how many times do I have to tell you that we are one?!

Yeah, I know. I know what they did were wrong. They should have done it the other way. But you have to stop trying to make things right. It’s time for you to just accept that things might not always be in the ideal condition as you expect it would be, Indah!

You have to let it go sometimes. There’s nothing you can do to fix it right. Let them deal with it and your part is to be an outsider. Give them your supports and comforts all you can but let them fight for themselves cause we all have our own battle(s) to fight, right? Just don’t interfere.

I know it’s painful that you can do nothing about it. I know that sensing (and seeing plus feeling) the sadness in the people you love is unbearable. But maybe all these things happen to make us all grow.

Listen to me now and listen to me good.

You don’t have to be like them even if you were in their shoes! Yes, Indah, we can do things differently! It’s harder when you don’t have a good role model but it’s not impossible! Together we can do it and we will do it right.

Please, Indah, I know you try to be the opposite of them but tell me honestly.. Are you happy with your condition now? Give yourself a chance, don’t punish yourself now for things that might not even gonna happen in the future.

Even if you become like them, you will always have me to warn you and to put you back on the right track again! All you have to do is shut down all the outside voices and find the inner voice within.

You might have problems to find me at first but practice makes perfect, soon you’ll hear me easier than you think and I might even bug me when you don’t want me to.

I’m so tired right now. Can we stop this for now, please? You knew what happened earlier tonight, right?

Errmm.. okay. We’ll talk again later. But think of what I said, Indah.

Haiyaa.. kenapa jadi malah ngoceh in English :p Pastinya ini karena gua lagi sedih, huhuhu.. Bukan berarti lebih bisa keluar kalo nulis in English but writing in English membantu gua untuk ngga terlalu ngerasain emosi gua, huahahahaha, karena otak gua bakal lebih mikir padanan katanya..

Tapi huhuhu.. kenapa still.. I feel it hurts?! *sigh*

Terkadang gua mikir..

Am I going nuts by having this kind of imaginary conversation?

Tapi dipikir lagi.. I need me, karena hanya gua yang paling tau apa yang gua alami and gua yang tau what kind of response yang perlu gua dengar. Not to just comfort me with soothing words yang efeknya only lasted for a while, but to give me something to think about long afterwards.

Huaa.. sometimes gua pikir apa gua sendiri ya yang ngeribetin masalah yang sebenernya simpel? :p

Advertisements