Death was once made me so very scared.

Just thinking about leaving this world frightened me.

I mean, I don’t know what kind of life I’d be living once after I died.

Okayy.. this is a question of faith as well, ahahaha :p

And then I came to another turn of my life.

What was once scared me so much now became something I didn’t even care at all.

Yupp.. death didn’t scare me anymore.

Sadly to say this wasn’t because I had gained more faith, ahahaha ;p

But it was more because I came to a point of my life where living didn’t seem as much exciting as people used to brag about.

Having too many problems, absorbing too many emotional negativities.. made me even think.. heyy.. death couldn’t be any worse than this.

I even think that maybe there in the other world, I could finally have my peace!

But don’t worryy..

Even in my lowest point, I didn’t even think of ending my own life.

Partly because I have my trauma on blood, wakakakak..

And also because.. well.. since this life isn’t mine, I don’t think I have the rights to put it to an end either when my time hasn’t come yet.

I’ve done so many mistakes in my life so I don’t want to end my time on Earth by making another mistake, huehehehe..

Anywayy..

Now my life has come to another term..

I’m back to scared mode again!!

Huhuhu.. could this be real?!

Yup yupp yupp..

Now I’m afraid of death again *sigh*

But totally for different reasons!

This time I’m afraid of death because I want to live!!

Ayy ayy.. Indah, you’re so complicated ;p

But ohh..

Doesn’t those words sound wonderful!!

I want to live!!

Let me repeat this once again..

I want to live!!

(okayy.. enough.. too much doze will only make this sound “lebayy”, ahahaha ;p)

Aaihh.. I haven’t felt that way for I don’t know how looong!!

Have you ever heard that many people had actually died while they’re still alive?

Oohh maaann..

Guess I’m one of those people!!

Ahahahaa..

So I’m glad that something inside of me finally awakens :p

I want to live.

I want to feel.

I want to have a life.

I want to have a family of my own.

I want to have my dreams come true.

But most of all, I guess..

I just want to make my life worthwhile.

I want to be sure that when my time has finally come for me to leave this world, at least people that I care about will have a good memory on me.

And how will I make them have one if I didn’t do anything good in my life, right?

So, God.. please..

Give me more time in this world..

Lead me the way and show me how can I make my life worthwhile.

I’m on crossroad now and I really have no idea what to do with my life.

I’ve wasted much time until now.

And I owe myself a chance to live a life in the direction where my heart desires.

Please help be to be consistent in holding to my own desires, God.

My brother once said this to me that made me think..

He said, “You know what you real problem is, Dah? Your problem is that you don’t have any problems that you start creating one yourself!

Ouucchh..

And somehow I guess he’s right.

I mean.. I’m okay with myself when I’m alone by myself, huahahaha..

It’s when I’m with certain people that I start questioning whether there’s something wrong with me or not ;p

Some part of me know.. if they have problems with the way I am then fine.. it’s their problems, not mine cause I’m okay with myself.

But that part of me has a moody side, ahahaha.. that part mostly hide all the time ;p

Soo..

I should learn how to stop making other people’s problems as my own.

Doesn’t mean that I should stop listening to what they want to share with me.

But.. there.. my role is only as a listener, and maybe advicer (don’t count on me though, sometimes my advices might not be a good one, wakakakak ;p).

But I should stop right there.

No need to make their problems as my own as well, let them deal with it by themselves.

I have my own life that I need to take care on, ayy ayy..

(been noticing that I don’t know whyy but since yesterday I like typing the words “aayy aayy” and “aiihhh”, ahahahaa ;p)

And ohh ohh.. reallyy.. I’m no such a comforter..

If you really need someone to comfort you with such soothing words, please don’t try to find me.

For I still have this moody side in me.

And I’m ehheemm.. insensitive, hehehe ;p

When someone is so dowwnn.. I’m more tempted to help that person to see the brighter side of the world, than to pat her on the shoulder and cry with her.

No wonder one time my friend complaint about that, ahahaha..

Cause seeing her so very down like that, I was like, “Girrrlll.. it’s NOT the end of the world yet!! Let it rain now.. but come and enjoy the sun again when the rain finally stops!!”

(and not extended it by making your own rains when the sun finally shines, ahahaha ;p)

See.. I’m that insensitive, ouuchh..

And I think I also need to learn how to tone down my mood swinger!

Ohh, babee..

It has come to a point where it’s no longer fun being swinged by this so-called moodiness, huahahaha..

The good thing about being a mood swinger is that when you’re feeling down, sometimes your mood just bounces back to the level where you feel happyy!

Oohh, isn’t it wonderful?!

Yes it is..

But wait until that mood bounces back to the lowest level, yaikss..

You know you’ll hate it when it happens, ahahaha :p

Oohh myy..

There are so much things that I need to learn, ehh?

But oh well.. since I don’t have to read any textbooks to learn all these, then I think.. I’ll be just fine.. (hopefully, ahahaha :D)

Happy Saturdayy everyonee!!

Rain or shine, may you have a happy heart ^o^

Until then..

Daaaahhh..

-Indah-

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