I read Lalaa’s blog earlier tonight and her last post there took me back in one of my writings in Blogdrive.

I browsed upon my postings collection and found this one.

I cut this post short to make it be more connected with the one I talk about related to Lalaa’s latest post, One Day in Your Life.

This was originally posted on January 21, 2008.

The link of the original post is here :

http://i-love-totti79.blogdrive.com/comments?id=318

And I knew I had another post somewhere related to “Who Will Cry When You Die?”, problem is.. I don’t have a great filing system of my posts, ahahahaha :p

So might need some time to look for that post.

~.*.~

Session 3 : Always Surround Yourself

Sebenernya sih Michelle suggested me to take some time alone by myself to think about my problems and cry my heart out sepuasnya, tapii.. gimana yaa, D..

Bbrp malam yg lalu when I cried myself to sleep, the last thing on my mind before I felt asleep adl I heard a ‘sweet’ voice over and over again in my head yg menyuruh gua untuk menelan bbrp butir obat sakit kepala sekaligus supaya gua ngga perlu ngerasa sesedih itu lagi and supaya gua bisa tidur dgn nyenyak tanpa perlu memikirkan apapun.

Seakan itu blm cukup, di malam yg sama, gua memimpikan 3 ‘cara’ yg bisa gua lakukan to put my life to an end, D.

If only I don’t believe that there’s Heaven and Hell.. Kalo gua ngga inget Yesus udah mati di atas kayu salib untuk menebus dosa2 gua.. kalo aja gua yakin by doing that I will still go to Heaven.. mungkin gua udah melakukannya kali, D..

Lalu.. gua juga teringat.. ama nyokap gua, D. Dia mungkin yg akan berasa paling kehilangan diri gua. Andai gua ‘meninggal’ dgn cara yg ‘wajar’ dan ‘normal’ sekalipun, dia pasti akan tetap sedih, apalagi kalo dia harus kehilangan gua dgn cara yg ngga wajar dan ngga normal. Dan.. gua ngga mau menambah kesedihan nyokap gua lagi, D. Udah cukup banyak yg harus dia hadapi tanpa perlu kehilangan gua.

And gua juga ingat ketika di tahun 2007 lalu, bbrp kali gua ngerasa kalo gua akan ‘kehilangan’ nyokap gua, betapa sedihnya perasaan gua saat itu, D.. and gua ngga mau nyokap gua merasakan hal yg sama ke gua. And that’s enough for me.. I don’t really care about anyone else, but I don’t want to put tears in my Mami’s eyes because of me.

That’s why, Chelle.. I couldn’t do spt yg elo sarankan ke gua. Right now.. I can’t trust myself to be all by myself. Gua perlu ‘mengelilingi’ diri gua dgn orang lain di sekitar gua, even though I couldn’t share my feelings with them, setidaknya kehadiran mereka bisa mengalihkan pikiran gua, drpd gua sendirian terus jadi kepikiran yg aneh2 and malah melakukan hal yg bakal gua sesali kemudian, iya ngga, D?!

Bbrp hari yg lalu ketika gua lagi duduk2 di tempat jemur pakaian, gua ngeliat awan2 pada bergerak, bergantian menutup matahari untuk kemudian kembali berlalu dan membiarkan matahari kembali menampakkan sinarnya. Gua jadi teringat akan buku (?) si Ibu Kita Kartini, yaitu “Habis Gelap Terbitlah Terang”..

Iyaa.. itu yg harus gua yakini. Habis masa2 ‘gelap’ dlm hidup gua ini, pasti Tuhan akan kembali memberikan ‘matahari’ untuk menyinari hidup gua πŸ™‚ Tuhan masih sayang ma gua, maka gua ngga boleh menyia2kan hidup yg Tuhan berikan ke gua ini. Gua ngga boleh ‘menyerah’ thd ‘bisikan’ ngga jelas. Khan udah sering dibilang kalo Tuhan ngga akan pernah memberi cobaan melebihi yg sanggup ditanggung anak2Nya! πŸ™‚

Semangat, Indah, semangat.. ‘warisan’ macam apa yg mau elo tinggalkan ke keponakan2 elo kalo elo segitu gampangnya menyerah ketika ‘badai’ datang menghantam?!

Huaahh.. Tuhan, tunjukkanlah jalan mana yg harus saya tempuh untuk menata kembali hati saya yg udah terlanjur (kembali) terluka?!

Oh iya, D, on her last letter, Michelle menyisipkan puisi yg ada di buku “Purpose Driven Life” for me. Demikian bunyinya..

~.*.~

Poem by Russell Kelfer
Taken from : Purpose Driven Life, Chpt. 2

You are who you are for a reason
You’re part of an intricate plan
You’re precious and perfect unique design
Called God’s special woman or man

You look like you look for a reason
Our God made no mistake
He knit you together within the womb
You’re just what He wanted to make

The parents you had were the ones He chose
And no matter how you may feel
They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind
And they bear the Master’s seal

No, that trauma you faced was not easy
And God wept that it hurt you so
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you’d grow

You are who you are for a reason
You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod
You are who you are, beloved
Because there is a God!

~.*.~

I’m still amazed that this was only happened about a year ago.. okay, well.. almost 2 years ago, ahaha.. but feels like it has been ages or even centuries *lebayy* :p

So again.. I guess it’s true what Tyler Perry said in Oprah..

You’ll never know where life’s gonna take you so just hold on!

Yupp.. it’s true.. that words kinda sink in to my soul now for I believe it’s true.

No matter how life brings you down..

Sometimes all you have to do is just hold down.. a little bit longer..

For it will take you back to life again at the upper side.

Hand in hand.. together.. we can make it through, right? πŸ˜‰

-Indah-

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